Why "you're okay" is not okay

On the playground and around town I've heard a lot of parents using the same phrase when their little one takes a spill. Dusting them off, they say, "You're okay," and usually pat them on the back and send them on their way, back to whatever they were doing. I understand what these well-meaning parents are trying to do: let their child know that this spill is not the end of the world and that they will be fine. However this small statement is a lot more complicated than that. Telling a crying child that they're "okay" invalidates their actual emotions in that moment and sends a confusing message. The internal emotional response may be something like this: "if I fell and felt scared and now I'm crying, why is my parent telling me that I'm okay?".  We would never tell an adult who fell on the sidewalk that they're okay and should just get up and keep going, we check in to make sure they're not physically hurt and then we offer support  or help. The same response is appropriate for children.

When a child takes an unexpected spill they usually look to their parent to gauge the appropriate reaction. I believe many parents have adopted this casual response with the thought that if they make a big deal the child is going to cry harder, while downplaying it will make them bounce back faster. Unfortunately, instead of creating resilience this approach can create emotional confusion and a lack of trust in the care provider and the child's own emotional response.

"I'm NOT okay!" 

So what can we do to create resilient kids who can bounce back from a spill? There's a very simple response that includes a description of what happened, an empathic statement to validate their feeling, and a brief comfort measure. Using these three steps are simpler than you might think and will help your child feel understood and secure and ready to continue playing. And since the tears are usually from the surprise of the fall, rather than the fall itself, validating their reaction goes a long way to soothing the tears.

For example: Baby Jessica is toddling around the playground when a bigger kid runs by, disrupting her concentration and balance. She falls onto her tush. The surprise of the quick movement brings her to tears. Her mother comes over and simply states, "Oh, you fell down when that big kid ran by. I can see that made you feel upset. Let me help you back up so I can give you a hug" (or an even simpler. "Aw, you went bonk. Did that surprise you? Let me help you up"). Hug ensues, tears stop and baby Jessica is back on her way.

For a bigger kid the response varies a bit but follows the same pattern. For example: Tommy is running through the indoor play area and slips on a wet spot. He tumbles and starts to cry from the impact. Dad  comes over and says, "Hey buddy, I see you slipped in the wet spot. That must have felt a little scary to come crashing down so fast. Can I help you up?". After a little sniffle and a kiss from dad, Tommy is back on his way. He was able to see that his dad understood that he got a little scared, and his dad showed his that it is okay to feel that way but it doesn't have to stop the fun.

This approach also teaches children how to respond to others who are hurt or upset. If we as parents and caregivers are constantly telling our children the equivalent to "suck it up", then that is how they will respond to others. If, however we respond to them with kindness, respect, and empathy they in turn will respond that way to .




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